The Rise and Fall of Akane's Mallet
by Baron Hausenpheffer
Summary: More nonsense from yours truly! Akane's mallet is the stuff of legend. Nearly indestructible and ridiculously powerful, its true origin has remained shrouded in mystery... until now.
1. Part 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma 1/2. Believe it or not, an ingenious lil' lady named Rumiko Takahashi does.

Author Note: You know, I honestly am not a big fan of "the mallet". Cool as it is, the hefty weapon has been overused in fan fiction to the point where it has become a cliche. Still, the enormous hammer has become a fanfiction staple, and I felt the true story of its origin needed to be told.

As an side note, I've sprinkled several cameos into this story, some of which are obvious and some of which are not. Don't fret, however! I've added a "glossary" of the non-Ranma characters that make an appearance in this story to the end of chapter 2. In the meantime, read, laugh, and enjoy.

* * *

"_You jerk, Ranma... you jerk, you jerk, **you jerk**, **YOU JERK!**_"

It was another beautiful day in Furinakan; the birds were chirping, the sun was shining, and Akane was walking away from a flattened Ranma Saotome. The two had stopped for a moment to watch a construction crew erect a new housing complex nearby. Akane pointed out how short and squat the new building was, and Ranma (as protocol demanded) pointed out that it was shaped just like her. Of course, this required a stomping of gargantuan proportions.

As she stalked angrily away, Akane huffed, "I can't believe that he just said that to me! Grrr... What's worse, now I feel exhausted! I know he has to be taught a lesson, but beating him up really takes it out of me. If only there were some way to clobber him with one blow..."

These words had scarcely left her mouth when she heard a high-pitched whistling sound.

"What in the world?" she wondered aloud. "Whatever that noise is, I think it's getting closer!"

_**Pfffff...**_

She whirled around to see a tiny, grey dust cloud rise from the ground behind her. Once the wind swept it away, she saw what looked like a severely injured dog. Upon closer inspection, however, she recognized it as one of America's coyotes (apparently, the Tendos subscribe to "National Geographic").

"Oh, you poor coyote!" she gasped, peeling him off the pavement. "Are you okay?"

The poor animal looked like a wreck. It had bloodshot eyes, it had obviously not eaten in a very long time, and it was covered from head to toe in strange bruises that were shaped suspiciouly like car and train tracks.

Nodding weakly, the animal pulled a wooden sign out of somewhere and wrote, "I'm fine. You're pretty clever to notice that I'm a coyote. People tend to mistake me for a dog."

Most people would have run away screaming or stared in astonishment: an intelligent animal who can communicate with signs! Luckily, Akane was used to it (minus the "intelligent" part), so she just smiled at him.

"I read a lot," she humbly replied. "So, how did you get here anyway? Where are you from?"

"Arizona, and I landed here as a result of a runaway catapult," came the answer via sign. "Here: my card."

Akane took it and read it aloud. "Wile E. Coyote, Genius. Specialty: building super-genius devices to acquire lighting-fast poultry."

He then held up another sign that read, "Mind telling me where I am now? East Asia, obviously, but..."

"You're in a suburb of Tokyo called 'Nerima', and more specifically in Furinkan Town," she replied. "Do you need help getting home?"

Wile E. shook his head and smiled. He wrote, "Thank you, my dear girl, but I can manage. This is hardly the first time this has happened. However, there **is** one thing you could help me with..."

The flea-bitten canine reached behind his back and pulled out an enormous hammer. Chuckling, he wrote, "As you might surmise, I'll have hell trying to get this through customs. Would you mind taking it off my hands?"

A sweatdrop on the side of her head, Akane mutterd, "Well, sure, but..."

"**BEEP! BEEP!**"

Akane jumped a full four feet in fright at the unexpected honking. When she whirled around, she saw a tall, grey-and-purple bird. "What the--?"

Suddenly, Akane sensed something that made her hair stand on end. Turning white, she thought, "_Oh, crud... That **HUGE** battle aura... Where could it be coming from?_"

To her shock, Wile E. Coyote suddenly hopped in front of her, the center of the aura moving with him! How could this mere animal be putting off that much energy?

Shaking with rage, the coyote held up a sign that read (in scrawled, near-demonic looking letters), "**_So... You have the nerve to come here, do you? Fine. TONIGHT, I DINE ON TERIYAKI ROAD RUNNER!_**"

What happened next, Akane couldn't say. The bird simply disappeared, leaving a lingering afterimage. As for the coyote, all she could see was a brown blur as he blasted out of sight.

"What... what was that all about?" Akane breathed nervously. Finally coming to her senses, she noticed the enormous mallet Wile E. had left behind lying on the ground next to her. Cautiously, she picked it up.

"Acme-brand Giant Mallet?" she whispered, reading the words on the side.

She couldn't say exactly why, but Akane really liked holding that mallet. It was ridiculously heavy, but for a supergal like Akane this merely meant "bulky". It was of high craftsmanship and sturdy construction, with a solid steel hammerhead and a polished oak handle. Looking at it, she got the feeling it would last 'till Doomsday and beyond.

"I... I... I... **I gotta try it!**" she burst out, looking rather deranged. Spotting a nearby concrete barrier, she swung at it with all her might.

**CRASH! (_Crumble, crumble, crumble..._)**

Akane panted as she looked at what was left of the barrier. Eyes wide, she gulped, "Whoa... what punching power! I bet this thing can clobber anything! It could probably even pulverize--"

A decidedly evil grin spread over Akane's face. "Even Ranma. Ha, ha, hah. Hahahahaha. HAHAHAHA! **BWAHAHAHAHA! MWAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!**"

Stopping in the middle of her diabolical laughter, she gasped, "Hey, wait a minute! I'll never be able to sneak up on him with this huge thing. Ohhhhhhh..."

Akane was about to get depressed when she noticed a gaggle of weirdos running down the street. In front was a pretty young girl in a school uniform, behind her was a handsome young man dressed in black, and hot on their heels was the most bizarre creature Akane had ever seen. She _thought_ he was human, but with tiny eyes obscured by sunglasses and lips bigger than his arms, she could be wrong.

"**Shinobu! I love you, Shinobu!**"

"Eeeeeeeek! Ryuunosuke, save me!"

"Why do **I** gotta be the one?"

"_Hmm... She's in trouble. I guess I'd better help her out,_" Akane thought, rolling up her sleeves. As it turned out, however, there was no need. Seemingly out of nowhere, a rather stupid-looking fellow in a track uniform ("lucky number 4") jumped into the street.

"Have no fear, Shinobu!" he roared. With that, the track guy pulled a huge wooden mallet from midair, bonked the huge weirdo on the head, and watched as he tumbled to the ground.

"A-Ataru... you saved me from Soban! Thank you!" the pretty girl exclaimed.

"Oh, it was nothing... BUT YOU CAN BOTH REPAY ME WITH A KISS!" he drooled, leaping forward in an attempt to glomp her.

**POW!**

"Aiiiiiieeeeeeeeeee!" he squealed as he flew out of sight. Standing between Shinobu and where Ataru had been was the boy dressed in black, scowling with fist raised.

"Pervert..." he muttered.

The pretty girl smiled, took his arm, and the two walked off into the sunset. Before they left, Akane overheard Shinobu saying, "You're so nice, Ryu! If you were a boy, even I would love to go out with you."

Akane scratched her head in confusion, unsure about what she had just witnessed. Finally, she shrugged her shoulders and gave up. It was Furinkan; no biggie. She was about to walk home when a thought hit her like... well, like a hammer. In her mind she saw the boy pulling the mallet out of God-knows-where, then the boy... girl... whatever punching him into the stratosphere. When she overlaid the two images, she suddenly realized that she had an amazing new innovation in the martial arts on her hands. This could be even bigger than the karate chop!

"I... I've got it! I've discovered a new technique!" Akane rejoiced, dancing a jig. Calming and becoming deadly serious, she muttered, "But, it's still too early to celebrate. I have to master the technique first..."

-----------------------

**BOOM! CRASH! KAPOW! ZONK! BABOOOOM!**

"Geez, Pop, turn the TV down!" Ranma grumbled as he polished off his sixteenth bowl of rice. "I mean, I know you love the old 'Batman' series, but this is ridiculous!"

"Actually, your father went straight to sleep," Kasumi corrected him, looking up from her book, titled How to Become More Assertive. She had borrowed it from Doctor Tofu in desperation, and she now felt ready to give this whole "forceful" thing a try. Her heart rate quickening, she thought, "_Okay, okay... I can do this! Just come out and say it..._"

"Ranma, don't you..." she began, stopping in mid-sentence.

"Yeah? Wathya wahnt?" he asked between gulps of noodles.

"Y-you shouldn't eat as much! You'll get sick! And it's so much work to cook it all!" she exclaimed, blushing furiously. Ranma just looked at her blankly.

"_Oh, he hates me now! I'm a horrible person!_" Kasumi thought, hiding her face in her hands. The middle Tendo daughter stared in confusion at her weeping sister.

"_What's wrong with her now? I swear, I'll never understand that girl..._" she thought, rolling her eyes.

Nabiki finally cleared her throat and said, "Anyway... back to what we were talking about earlier, what's making all of that racket? Surely the construction workers would have all gone home by now."

At her sister's question, Kasumi instantly returned to her normal self. She bubbled, "Oh, it's just Akane! She's been training in the dojo since she got home this afternoon."

"Training?" Ranma asked. "What kind of training?"

"She said something about a technique powerful enough to defeat an opponent in one blow," Kasumi muttered carelessly. "She also said for you to stay the heck away from her until she's finished."

"_Yeah, right! **I'm** the one with all of the fancy-pants techniques around here! If she thinks that I'm just gonna stand around while she learns something cool, then she's got another thing coming,_" Ranma thought, gritting his teeth.

"Thanks for dinner, Kasumi!" Ranma said hurriedly, rushing out of the room. Sticking his head back in for a moment, he added, "By the way, I'll try to eat a little less. Later!"

Kasumi stared after him with saucer-sized eyes. "_Was... was it really that simple all along?_"

"**YES!**" the eldest Tendo daughter roared, slamming a fist onto the table and shattering it into a million pieces. Nabiki backed away slowly as her sister began cleaning up the mess, happily humming "Whistle While You Work".

-----------------------

Oho! Just like old oatmeal, the plot is beginning to thicken. If you think things are crazy so far, stick around. You ain't seen nothing yet!

**Next time:**

**_WATCH!_** As Ranma infiltrates the dojo at his own peril!

**_MARVEL!_** At just how fast Kasumi can clean up a broken table!

**_THRILL!_** To the other stuff that won't be spoiled ('cuz that would just be rude)!

Like I said, hang tight because the next chapter will be posted shortly. In the meantime, howsabout a review?


	2. Part 2

Author Note: I'd like to take a moment to thank all who have reviewed this story thus far. Your critiques, compliments, comments, and feedback in general are always a pleasure, and I hope you are getting a kick out of this story.

However, several reviews made me realize that I need to clarify something: I had NO intention of retelling the canon story of how Akane got her mallet, _regardless_ of where it actually came from. I thought that with the likes of Wile E. Coyote galavanting about, it would be obvious that this story is about as serious as a clown on April Fools' Day. Then again, I guess everyone reads into things differently. Don't get me wrong; I do appreciate your information, but the fact is that it doesn't pertain to "The Rise and Fall" in the slightest. Enjoy this story for what it is: an exercise in silliness designed to make you grin. With that said, on to the story...

* * *

"_Hmm... It's pretty dark in here,_" Ranma thought, cautiously opening the door to the dojo.

It was compeltely dark, and (even more disturbing) all of the cacophony from earlier had completely ceased, leaving only an eerie silence. His eyes darted left and right, searching for signs of "she-who-gets-violent-when-angry", but Akane was seemingly nowhere to be found.

"Akane? Yo! You in here?" he called as he made his way to the light switch. Again, no answer. Turning the light on, he saw that she had indeed left, but he also noticed a small scroll sitting in the middle of the dojo floor.

"Huh. Now, what could that be?" he wondered aloud. Walking over, he picked the small object up and examined it.

Ranma quickly noticed that the scroll was wrapped in a seal. Narrowing his eyes, he read it aloud.

"Tendo Anything-Goes Ultimate Technique: Strike of the Divine Mallet. Not to be opened by any nosy, obnoxious boys with pigtails."

"So, I'm 'obnoxious', eh?" Ranma growled. Spotting a pail of mopwater in the corner, he smirked and said, "Can anyone say 'loophole'? Heh, heh, heh..."

**Splash!**

"Didn't say anything about nosy, obnoxious **girls** with pigtails..." female Ranma remarked, breaking the seal. She unrolled the scroll on the hardwood floor and looked it over. To her great surprise, it didn't contain a single word; only pictures. (RANMA: "_Figures... any scroll written by that girl **would** be a picture book._") In the center was a picture of an enormous, cartoony hammer, and in each corner of the scroll was a different sketch. The first showed two stick figures, a boy and a girl, walking together. In the second, the boy was apparently shouting at the girl. In the third, the girl was shouting back. The last picture was the most perplexing, however... it was nothing but a very large arrow pointing up.

"What the... this doesn't make any sense!" Ranma angrily protested. Pocketing the scroll, she muttered, "Whatever. Maybe this'll make more sense in the morning."

The pigtailed fighter quickly turned off the light and made her exit; she didn't want to stay in there any longer than necessary. Although Ranma had never been the paranoid type, she couldn't shake the feeling that she was being watched...

-----------------------

_The next day, on the way to school..._

"_Man, what's wrong with her this morning?_" Ranma wondered, glancing irritably at his scowling fiancee. "_Normally, she would have at least thrown a few insults my way by now. I guess I have to ask 'the question'..._"

"Akane, what's the matter with you this morning?" he queried. "Is it that time of--"

"Of course not, you jerk!" she snapped. "It's just that I don't like talking to thieves! Can you blame me for that, hmm?"

Ranma hopped off the fence, blocking her way. He angrily growled, "Now, whaddya mean by that? You trying to say that I'm a thief?"

"Yup."

Ranma sweatdropped. "Well, I'm not!"

Akane sneered, "Oh, shut up! I watched you steal my scroll last night!"

Ranma's eyes widened and he swallowed nervously. So, his martial arts instincts were right. Someone HAD been watching him in the dojo! The big question now was how to get out of this situation. He could run away, apologize and give it back, or...

"I have no idea what you're talking about," he fibbed.

"You're such a liar! I saw you take it with my own eyes!" Akane yelled.

Ranma snarled, "Now who's the liar? I looked all over that place before I went in, and... oops."

He covered his hands with his mouth as he realized his mistake. Akane held out her hand and made the "gimme" motion. Releasing a frustrated sigh, Ranma pulled the scroll out of his pocket and tossed it into her hands.

"It's not like it says anything important, anyway..." he muttered. "Besides, any technique _you_ could come up with has to be pretty blasted simple."

"What? I'll have you know I practiced my new technique all night before I perfected it!" she informed him, hands on her hips.

"Oh, that was you training?" Ranma retorted sarcastically. "And here I thought all of that banging and smashing was just you hopping up and down on the dojo floor!"

"What... did... you... say?" Akane hissed, cracking her knuckles and giving Ranma a glare that made his blood run cold. Her battle aura flared up to the height of a two-story building, and Ranma had the sinking feeling that he was a goner. To his shock, however, Akane powered down and looked up with a smile on her face.

"I'll tell you what, Ranma," she said. "Come straight home after school, and I'll show you my new technique. Sound fun?"

He scratched his head. "Uh... well..."

"Great! Then I'll see you there!"

With these words, Akane dashed out of sight. As Ranma trudged toward the school, he heard a passing Buddhist monk remark, "Oh, my... What an unlucky face that young man has! I sense an ominous future for him..."

"Why me?" Ranma groaned aloud.

-----------------------

Opening the door to the dojo, Ranma shouted, "All right, Akane. I'm here! What did you want to show me?"

Ranma looked and felt much more confident than he had been that morning. After reflecting on it for a while, he felt sure that Akane couldn't come up with anything _too_ terribly powerful. First, she had let up in her training considerably in the last month, and he doubted that she could get "caught up" in one afternoon. Second, she wasn't all that creative most of the time. Third, whatever it was, he was sure he could figure out a counter to it before she managed to get a good hit in. He would be careful, but there was no need to worry (oh, poor, arrogant Ranma!).

"Well, where are you? Yoohoo! Any tomboys around?" he called, chuckling. Ranma seemed to be the only one there, and he was just about to leave when he heard a voice call out his name.

"Hey, Ranma! Over here!"

"Huh?" he gasped, whirling around. "Where the heck are you, Akane?"

To his shock, she stepped out from behind a mop leaning against the wall. Ranma did a quick double-take, comparing Akane's medium build to the inch-wide mop handle. Something very weird was going on.

"Okaaaaaay... care to explain how you just did that? Where were you just now?" he muttered, confused.

"The same place where I hide... this!" Akane exclaimed, pulling an enormous mallet from behind her back.

"**W-w-w-what the heck is that?**" Ranma squeaked.

Akane merely smirked and shouted, "My ultimate weapon! Ultimate Technique: Strike of the Divine Mallet!"

Ranma was too freaked out to move and could only watch in paralyzed fear as Akane rushed toward him, mallet raised.

"**DIE, RANMA!**"

**WHAAAAAM!**

"**YEEEEEEEEEEEE!**" Ranma screamed as he flew out of sight. Watching the ground grow smaller and two nearby airplanes grow closer, the pigtailed punching bag slowly felt consciousness slipping away. Right before he passed out, he remembered the pictures on the side of the scroll.

"Aha... so that's... what it meant..."

With that, everything went black. His unconscious body collided with the first airplane, making a nasty "splat" sound and bouncing onto the second. After being stuck on a window for a few seconds (and scaring one of the passengers, William Shatner, half to death in the process), he slid off and began falling again. Finally, he slammed through the roof of a building and landed... well, right next to Akane. Yup, it would seem that Ranma crashed right back inside the Tendo Dojo.

Swinging the mallet behind her back and dropping it... wherever it goes, Akane chuckled softly. "Well, it looks like the technique is a complete success!"

She looked down at her unconscious fiance, pointed, and laughed. "Ha, ha, HA! Suck on that, Ranma!"

She turned around to walk away, but she was so busy gloating that she didn't notice the mop from earlier. The rather clumsy girl tripped over it, falling and spraining her ankle.

"WAAAAAH! I'm such a clutz..." she sobbed.

_And so, a mighty legend was born: the legend of the Almighty Mallet of Retribution, which was to forever change the lives of our heroes. It was to strike again and again, existing only to serve the whims of its mistress, Akane Tendo. Ranma Saotome was to receive many a concussion by its mighty hand, on average about 87 a day. Perhaps it will someday hammer Akane's point home: a woman with a big hammer is not to be trifled with._

_Um... To tell the truth, that's only in fan fiction. In the actual manga and anime, it was to strike fairly often, causing Ranma Saotome many a serious headache. Whenever his unkind words cut Akane to the bone, she would wreak her righteous revenge by means of this enchanted hammer of justice..._

_**OKAY, OKAY!** So maybe the mallet appears very rarely in the manga and even more rarely in the anime. So maybe she uses her bokken just as much and her fists even more often. It doesn't really matter. The mallet is a freakin' huge weapon of destruction that appears out of nowhere to dispense pain whenever Akane darn well feels like it. _

_And what fan in their right mind could resist writing about something like that?_

THE EVER-LOVIN' END

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Hey, folks! I hope you enjoyed the wondrous story of how Akane got that legendary mallet. It took some thought and serious consideration... Okay, so it was mostly random nonsense that popped into my head. Whatever gets the job done, right? Hahaha!

Here's the little "cameo and obscure references glossary" that I promised you:

---------------  
**1. Wile E. Coyote** - Anybody who has ever watched cartoons ought to know who this is, but for you sheltered few who don't know (yes, all two of you), he is an awesome Loony Toons character that lives in the desert and exists to hunt road runners. Actually, just one particular road runner. He hasn't caught him yet, though...  
**2. Ataru, Shinobu, Ryuunosuke, and Soban** - These are all characters from Rumiko Takahashi's first big hit, "Urusei Yatsura". You don't need to know much for the purposes of this fic, but I'll give you a little overview. Ataru is the unluckiest guy on earth and a dedicated pervert (think young Happosai). Shinobu is his former girlfriend, a strong-willed gal who could probably beat Akane in arm-wrestling if she was angry enough at the time. Ryuunosuke is the only person in the world with a father worse than Genma; she's a girl, but her dad forces her to dress and act like a boy because he wanted a son. Finally, Soban is one of the freakiest characters ever created. The only thing bigger than this gang leader's lips is his (non-mutual) love for Shinobu. Anyway, I'd strongly recommend UY to those of you who have yet to try it.  
**3. 1960's Batman series** - Famous for its ridiculous sound effects (such as "Kapow!", "Zonk!", and "Kablooie!") which were always written on-screen in huge, cartoony letters.  
**4. The Buddhist priest** - Another character from "Urusei Yatsura" by the name of Cherry. He is Happosai's predecessor: a tiny little bald man who lives to torment the regular cast. Unlike Happosai, he's not perverted, but he is a gluttonous weirdo who is always making pronouncements of doom (that tend to come true).  
**5. William Shatner** - The man. Most of you know him as Captain Kirk of "Star Trek", but I consider his acting on "The Twilight Zone" some of his best work. In perhaps the most famous TZ episode ever, "Nightmare at 20,000 Feet", our boy spotted a gremlin on the wing of his plane. Who knew that gremlins had pigtails, huh? (_snicker_)  
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Anyhoo, that's about it. I hope you enjoyed it, but please leave some feedback (good or bad) regardless. Thanks!


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